Never Apologize, Never Explain

2 years ago

Words for something I have neglected

“You are gorgeous!”

“You are so mature.”

“You are amazing.”

“You are so intelligent!”

These are words that I have had difficulty accepting. I always found other people’s compliments to be hard to swallow. Maybe I am crazy… Maybe not… But what I do know is that people hold me in high regard. I find it hard to believe though. I am 24, I have no job that I can really live off of, and I feel that I have little value as a productive member of society. Maybe it is depression, but I can’t help but feel like I have poor self image.

I have been listening to a lot of music I grew up with lately. Older stuff like Candlebox, Sonic Youth, Bush, and the Pixies just to name a few. I think it makes me feel younger, but mostly it is because I can identify with that music more than what has become popular in recent years. The Song “Far Behind” has been very prominent in my library. The lyrics speak to me in ways that not many songs can. I feel that the lyrics are synonymous with my life as it is running now.

“Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble
As you falter down to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then someday people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
And then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind”

Literally and figuratively these speak to me… I am broken, and depressed. I often feel used and abused, if not flat out beaten. Many of my friends see this, most refuse to notice for their own reasons. Maybe I am a reflection of what they, themselves, are going through, maybe not. But the few days I am on top they seem to take notice, and offer me compliments that I am still not sure are genuine. I don’t know whether they do see me as their own, or not, but they most certainly see me at my weakest. But those last 3 verses are what really hit me. I always thought that it speaks of the possibilities that I have, and that I can leave everything and everyone behind, and finally be at peace.

“No, no, no
Couldn’t share the pain, they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I’ve known
And then maybe we might share in something rare
But won’t you look at where we’ve grown
Won’t you look at where we’ve gone
But then someday comes
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I feel for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind”

My burdens, and my inability to let people in enough to feel their true weight. I am fairly stoic, and often introvertive. It has always been difficult for me to allow people to see my turmoil. I just can’t imagine any one truly understanding me. But maybe that’s my mistake, and I certainly live with it. But the next line speaks of sharing in something rare, maybe life experiences, I am not sure. And the final lyric makes me think of the people I will leave behind, whether they do care or not.

Tonight I meet some one. I was taken aback by her eyes. Soft, and deep pools… the sort that you get lost in without realizing it. Her body was petite, and gently curved like a Cello. And her smell was almost intoxicating… She spoke soft, but with a zest for life. I think she was taken with me, although her compliments may have been facetious… But maybe, just maybe I will let my guard down… Just this once.
2 years ago from mobile

Two weeks of my life I will never get back…

Travis: I have decided I am going to make a noose out of the twilight books and hang myself.

Caitlyn: that’s really all you can do with the

Travis: I know, reading it was probably the worst idea I could have done.

Caitlyn: how much did you read?

Travis: The entire series…

Travis: It was horrible…

Travis: Why do people think it is any good? Its like watching abortions performed on something you love…

Travis: Repeated and unnessessary abortions…

Travis: And yet people are going nuts!

Travis: Atleast J.K. Rowling could put together cohesive story structure, and create 3 dimensional characters.

Travis: The only thing Meyer could do was write Mary Sue Vampire Fan fic.

Travis: and couldn’t even get that right.

Caitlyn: I can’t believe you read the entire thing…
2 years ago

Chasing Ghosts

My night was supposed to end at 2 like it normally does on a Tuesday night in the quiet, and often suffocating burg I call home. But there comes a time when duty calls and you can not let it go.

Throughout the night the phrase; “Man I’m sorry if i make the wrong decisions tonight but I just want you to know you were always my friend and I looked up to you. I listened to everything you said, I just never learned.” would echo in the chasm of my brain. Tormenting me with endless possibilities and possible outcomes. The guardian instinct took over and I was suddenly thrown into a frenzy. Some one I cared for was on the brink.

The Six Cylinder beast was pushed to the red-line in that last minute pre-dawn chaos of the late night- early morning brink that I have learned to call home, as I frantically searched for a lead, or some sort of mystic arrow as if to say “There he is.” And more words flashed across my mobile device to further confirm my fears, no matter how invalid they might have been. A cry for help, That’s all this had better be, I thought to myself.

The words “I have my cross Brandon gave me tied around my hands. I’m cool with what happens.” burned my eyes and fueled my panic and i pressed the gas pedal to the floor. Numbers, and leads flew from my one track mind came as quickly as the calls I had made shortly after. He would never tell me where he was… only the subtle clue of “I am in my woods. Jake Knows. Right by my tree.” I had been pleading with him for some time to stop being so cryptic with little luck.

Panic took over. I was on foot, running through a park, and then towards a bridge after I had came across a small bastion of hope. Nothing would come from it. Just another cold trail and a final message; “Trav Sorry man just give up. Everyone else does including her. My time has come I believe. Love and Peace.” Anger, confusion, fear, hope flashed in various shades and hues across my mind. I had a terrible feeling, that my search would be in vain…

The help that I received was all for naught, unfortunately, and this story does not yet have an end. The fear of emotional, mental, and physical collapse is now very real. The last message received had been two hours prior, and the trail was cold as a corpse… I can only hope he calls me, at the very least to let me know he is okay… I’ll phone in the verdict…
2 years ago

Coming to Grips with my Sleeping Problem

My Cigarette pack is empty, my whiskey glass is full, my heart is cold, and my stomach burns. This is how my long sleepless nights have been. My brain wont shut the fuck up, and the drink wont stifle it.

So many things are, and yet nothing is, plaguing me tonight. Or is it morning? I don’t know anymore. Thom Yorne keeps me aware of time with his alluring and mysterious voice, a soothing tenor ebbing and flowing into a beautiful falsetto, if only for a moment. If not Thom, then the burning sensation in my chest as the stomach acids eat away at my tender esophagus. Or the nic-fit I am in, maybe it is the empty bottle of Wild Turkey, perhaps not. What is certain is that I will not be sleeping.

If I were to venture a guess as to why I am in this sleepless funk it most certainly has to do with my employment or lack there of. I haven’t worked since May, and I have felt empty inside since then. I have sucked on the teat of unemployment and a wave of disgust always hits me when I click that small button that says “Submit” on the website. Friends, and loved ones have done what they can to assist me in my job search, but with minimal success. It’s just how life is now a days. But it’s my own damn fault, or so I have been told.

“You have to keep an optimistic, upbeat attitude!” the toad woman at the Temp Agency says. Fuck you lady, its been 6th months since I’ve had work. I am sure I have the right to feel shitty about things right now. Positive reinforcement works only after you get out of your funk, and besides, there is no reason why I shouldn’t feel bad. It’s how I feel and I can’t help it. But like the “Cancer Survivor” Clique believes, you can’t feel shitty or you wont fix your situation. Well fuck you too, it’s not cancer, but it hurts every day to wake up and realize that you have nothing to do, but exist.

Maybe that is another thing that’s bothering me… The Cancer Survivor Crowd, that alienates the members that are taking a “Turn for the worse,” because it will bring down everyone else! I am not joking… I have heard this excuse more than once before. Not first hand though… I am still waiting on that. Maybe I am wrong on that though… Perhaps the weird paranoia is settling in already.

It’s 6:30am and the turkey has long wore off, which means the brain circus is kicking into overdrive. the ring leader a coked out miniature me doing cartwheels, with a mix CD of horrible one hit wonder songs playing, that switches every 3 verses, and the sounds of my family waking up for the start of their week. This is all drowning out what soothing music I am actually listening to. Still no sunlight peeking through my curtains, so I do have some sort of a chance to see a modicum of sleep.

There have been many times, that I have wondered if anyone else has had “Black Betty”, remixed with the chorus of “We didn’t start the fire” combat “Barbie Girl” and “Turning Japanese” in their brain for audiological Hallucinatory supremacy. “Whoa, black betty bamalamb, woah, black betty bamalamb, black betty had a child bamalam, and its been burning since the world’s been turning.” wickey wickey “I’m a Barbie girl, in a barbie world, and I’m turning Japanese I think I’m turning Japanese, i really think so!” It just wont shut the fuck up, my brain.

I am going to take a jog. Maybe play the guitar a bit. Probably play “How many benadryl can you swallow”
2 years ago

There’s No Place Like It

Home is a funny thing. People always say “It’s where the heart is.” But personally I think it is where I am not. Perhapse I think this way because I havent felt at home since I graduated highschool. Maybe not… either way “Home” hasn’t felt like Home in nearly a decade. My Family has made it seem like a damn inconvenience for me to even be there, which hurts in ways that some may never know.

When was the last time that you can recall when you felt loved by your immediate family? Most people will say “At Dinner time,” and while very cliche and American-esque, it is also very true. But not for me. I have found myself alone at the dinnertable, or in my bedroom. Usually my step-father, who really has been more like my dad than my birth father, is glued to the couch with the “Deadliest Catch”, or some other program that just happens to be on durring the prime time television Bracket. He is a late member of the TV Generation, and I suppose it is to be expected, what with watching the live TV assassination of characters like Lee Harvey Oswald. I can understand why he wouldnt change the channel in a few decades. My mother is usually busy with a Scrap booking project, or even something for work. The brother and sister are out doing brother and sister things, so usually its just me and my lonesome and it has been like this for the last 8 years.

It is difficult to find family time now adays and maybe that is the problem? The family unit is loosely tied now more than it ever has been. If it isnt painfully obvious there are advertisements for setting up a family game night on most basic television channels. Unfortunately my family hasn’t seen these.

As the voids between my family grows, I find myself establishing stronger bonds with total strangers or old faces I haven’t seen in a few years. It works temporarily, and it does help with the pain, but it is a temporary fix at best.
2 years ago

An Apology

I left you guys off after day 2 of my mexico trip. Yeah I am sure that you know by now that I probably wont finish it… This guy is too lazy.
2 years ago

Voices from the past - Myspace Post October 2008

“I have had many masculine figures in my life. many good; My dad, my grandfather, uncles, boyfriends of my aunt, educators, they all have contributed into sculpting the man(I have a penis and honor, but am I a man?) I am today. Just as many positive figures, have I had negative. From a few uncles, my absent father, once a positive role model who fell from grace, scumbags I encounter on a regular basis, and because of their lifestyle, disgusting habits, and general disregard and disdain for any one but themselves has helped shape who I am more than the positive ones. Either way I thank them all for their roles, support, and inspiration to everything I want, and never want to become. Though most of them may never read this, I do have to thank them. What is important to me, is how I imprint the next generation of young men.

We live in a world where no one really gives a shit about anyone. It is not a fun time, and now a days, it is so difficult to grow up well rounded, if grown up at all. It keeps me awake at night, and drives me insane during the day. In recent years I have carried myself in such a way that I am well respected by a sizable amount of people in my area, I carry a level of influence on the minds and decisions of many people through out the community, and have developed an instinct (more paranoia than instinct) in detecting threats to my reputation, and influence. I pride myself in being well rounded, and some one people refer to as “Dependable, and Trustworthy.” Not everyone thinks I am, in fact a few people who I no longer talk to but miss regardless, will say I am an opportunistic, snake in the grass, which unfortunately is very, very true in some aspects. Anyway I have gotten slightly off topic. My point is growing up is hard, especially with the piss poor choices in role models now a days.

I see so many disappointments in what sort of choices are out there for kids to admire. Popular Sports (football, baseball, basketball) athletes have been ousted for the scum they really are, and many of them do not even try to hide it anymore. No child has the attention span to cope with geniuses like Dawkins, or even Hawking. Our Presidents are often jokes, Especially this past decade. Then the only that is left is our public defenders, our Police and Authority figures who are often more vile than the criminals they “attempt” to apprehend. Our kids have relatively nothing left.

So what can I do? Why does this concern me? Because these kids without positive inspiration are our future. I know it is a tired cliche, but it is the truth. They will inheirit our world and all of the cluster fuck messes that we leave behind. I feel it is my responsibility to at the very least show these kids that life, while a difficult thing to cope with, is not a terrible thing. That its something worth taking the off beaten path, if only for experience sake.

Anyways my mind is not functioning as it should and sleep needs to take hold. If this makes some sense, then perfect, if not then this clearly is just another illegible rant…”
2 years ago from mobile

"I have to pee, can we go to underwater world"

- Keight Roach
2 years ago

Cancun Trip 2009: Day 2 Iguanas and Humidity

I woke up to room service pounding on my door with the breakfast we had ordered the night before. It was a very light, but delicious meal. It was a simple fried eggs breakfast, with hash browns and some juice. I then showered quickly and walked out to the patio to fully assess the situation with our position.

The mornings ciggarette was an amazing one, because down in the court yard was a large lizard that I had not seen in the wild before. I flipped out, and ran back inside and called to Audrey and Kelly to wake the fuck up and get their cameras. They Rush outside, and immediately find this approxamately 4 foot long lizard. We chattered amongst ourselves trying to identify it, I had thought it was some kind of mexican Iguana and they seemed to agree with my asumption. Kelly even went down to touch it with minimal success. Eventually we worked up the courage to feed it a banana that we were given with our care package from Palace Resorts.

We tiptoed carefully towards our new lizard friend we dubbed as “Leather Face” due to the fact he was shedding, and discovered that there was about 7 more iguanas just sunning themselves on the rocks. The smaller ones happened to be more jittery than our buddy Leather Face and ducked under the rocks in an attempt to flee. Leather Face tilted his head in curiosity of our presence and started eying up the banana. Kelly quickly unpeeled it as I stood ready with the camera, but before I could snap a picture, Leather Face ripped almost the entire banana out of Kelly’s hand. With our banana gone, and our new friend well fed, we traipsed over to the swiming pool.

I probably would have ended up in Mexican jail had I not figured out what all of the different bracelets mean. Mine was colored blue which means over 18 and club member. Yellow was over 18 and non club member. black was vip, silver was anneversary, pink was newly weds, and purple was under 17. Man kids grow up way to god damn fast, and that is all I have to say about that.

After a few hours of swimming, we decided to try our hand at one of the 15 restraunts. The food here was amazing. I cannot speak for the rest of mexico, but this resort was bringing their A game in terms of food and preparation quality. It was clear that they imported everything but the fruits. We closed the night at the Swing bar with our favorite bartender Esteban.

I was in paradise… and I was ready to tear it up.
2 years ago

Cancun Trip 2009: Pre-flight Zero Hour

It was 7:30am, and I was jolted awake by my mother who was screaming about being late for my flight that left at 11. A bad start, especially considering that I had slept maybe 2 hours the night before. My head was spinning and not in the good way it does after a night of drinking, but in the bad way that Insomniacs, like myself, get after having a tiny ammount of decent sleep.

I arrived at the airport around 8:30am after a breif detour to McDonalds for breaky. I had never been awake so early for McBreaky since I was about 10 years old. The airport was unusually quiet, with the exception of a number of security personel on the terminal drop off point, who were bustling about a weather shelter’s windows being shattered by a random flying door knob that some one most likely threw out there car window for some god awful reason. As far as I was concerned this didn’t bother me like it would others. But I wasn’t thrilled with it.

I recieved my ticket and passed through security in a very timely manner at 9am, left to my own devices untill Audrey and Kelly arrived. I trapsed about the airport for some time and finally gave them a call around 10am to find out where they were. “Still at home but we are leaving right now! i’ll call you when we get through security.” Jesus Christ… I was not about to wait for you guys to get there too late to get on our plane. But they made it with about 20 minutes to spare. We boarded our plane, but I was stricken with a cold sweat. I have never been properly capable to cope with take off. I would remain white knuckled untill the plane leveled off at 39,000 feet.

We made land fall just after 1pm. Caught dinner at Dallas/Fort Worth International’s TGI Fridays, as well as 2 helpings of airport sushi, which werent too bad for $12 a plate. Our next flight was probably the worst experience. The woman at the checkout counter would become my foe. She was an obese blackwoman who wasn’t worried about throwing her attitude around. But we got through after a few choice words from me about how she should be thankful that she still has her job.

We arrived in Cancun just after sundown. I had slept through most of the flight. But it worked out to my advantage. No White Knuckle trip, probably my first. We passed through customs without having to submit to any sort of security check. And arrived at our resort by 9pm. I almost immediately crashed after ordering a club sandwich from room service.

This was the end of day one…
Notes: 3 / 2 years ago from slayerofthebeards (originally from glasgowsmile)

slayerofthebeards:

(via glasgowsmile)

I want this!
Notes: 2 / 2 years ago

Any Questions?
Notes: 2 / 3 years ago from glasgowsmile

glasgowsmile:

STAND BACK! I’M ABOUT TO DO SCIENCE!

Bud Dwyer you are my favorite!
3 years ago

Why the fuck am I crying?

I was 9 years old when my family bought Rocky. He was a chubby chocolate lab puppy and he would become my best friend. Better than Audrey, better than Lucas, better than Keight, he was without a doubt my favorite living creature in the entire world.

He was always there when I needed him, my teen years were very rough for me, and I did have to deal with alot of fucked up thoughts and emotions but he was always there. I would let him in my room and just hug him, he would rest his head on my shoulder and I would cry and cry. I knew he understood because when i was about to break down, he would nose my bedroom door open and rest his head on my shoulder and I would feel better.

After I had gotten over my issues, Rocky was still there. I have memories of comming home at the odd hours of the night to a thump thump thump of his tail hitting the wall. to this day it is the most welcoming sound I can immagine. It was like he was waiting up just to make sure I got home safe. he then would lay in my room and wait for me to get ready for bed. which for a while I shared with him untill he started having difficulty getting around.

I remember his last day… When I finally failed him… His arthritis had finally gotten so bad that he could no longer go outside to use the bathroom. All he could do was sit, and I could see it in his eyes that he was in pain. So I sat with him petting him. and hugged him like I used to when I needed him. My parents and I took him to the vet… we sat in the room with him petting him, comforting him, and waiting for the Vet. I choked… I couldn’t do it… I could not watch my best friend be taken away from me… the smell of the vet reminded me of a nursing home and I started getting dizzy… Fear had gripped my heart and I started having a panic attack. I dismissed myself from the room and my parents saw that I really didn’t want to… The last memory I have of Rocky was him looking at me, his eyes begging me to stay, as I walked out the door…

I had to work that night, and lucky for me it was slow. I was short with every last human being I had to deal with. I had gotten home around 1030pm that night, and there was no thump thump thump… The warmest greating I could think of was gone… Only the cold darkness welcomed me home, and it hasn’t felt the same since.

We had gotten a little German Short Hair puppy shortly before Rocky was put to sleep. He has taken a liking to me, but doesn’t feel the same, he is my youngest sisters dog, not mine… But every once in a while he does something that reminds me of Rocky and it chokes me up inside…
Notes: 2 / 3 years ago from mobile

You know you are laughing…

Words for something I have neglected

Two weeks of my life I will never get back…

Chasing Ghosts

Coming to Grips with my Sleeping Problem

There’s No Place Like It

An Apology

Voices from the past - Myspace Post October 2008

Cancun Trip 2009: Day 2 Iguanas and Humidity

Cancun Trip 2009: Pre-flight Zero Hour

Why the fuck am I crying?

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